Fall To Pieces
by L neils
Summary: author's note inside. slight songfic as well. was inspired by said song. FEMMESLASH PELLIE! woOt. Btw, thanks muchly Medicated and Dedicated for adding this fic to their C2! Now with Lemon! TEH END!
1. Chapter 1

Author's note

Hi everyone, welcome to more femmeslash Pellie!

First and foremost, I am ignoring the 'reality' of the series after 'whisper to a scream' because Paige and Ellie make sense and I love them. Putting boys into the occasion is just yuck and should not be done. Unless it's yaoi, or slash.

I changed Paige a little. Not so much the dialogue, but more its, subtext I guess you'd call it. I hope I got all of the Canadian slang right. I'm a dirty Australian foreigner, so sorry if I made a mistake.

So, Ellie doesn't really like Ash and Ash and Craig are together and Spinner works at the Dot. I don't know if this is what actually happens at this point in the series, so I'm just laying it out for you now so you don't accuse me of screwing the storyline any more than I already have.

On with the Pellie slash! Best slash ever! When I am rich and famous I will hire Stacey Farber and Lauren Collins to make Pellie slash TV!

Ahem. I own no aspect of the show 'Degrassi: the Next Generation'.


	2. I don't

"I don't need help!"

"Then show me your arm," Paige retaliated.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Ellie shouted as she walked past Paige. Fear and anger consumed her.

"Then show me your arm!" Paige pleaded. Ellie stopped in her tracks, and indecision swamped her. "Ellie, please," Paige begged. "Show me your arm."

Ellie felt sick; how could the cheerleader queen understand what she was asking? Against her better judgement, but leaping for the safety line being thrown, Ellie turned to face Paige and slowly rolled down her arm warmer and lifted her shirt sleeve. Red, angry lacerations laced her arm from wrist to armpit. Paige fought down her initial feeling of horror. "Oh, Ellie," Paige held Ellie's wrist, and gently touched a scar above the hand. Ellie began to sob quietly. "It's ok. It's ok."

* * *

A week later Paige found Ellie in the bathroom again, this time being perfectly innocent and washing her hands. Paige almost sighed with relief. "Hey Ellie," she said perkily. "Tell me that you won't be following up on your previous expose'?" Paige raised an eyebrow in her cattiest manner. 

Ellie turned around, a biting phrase on her lips, before her mind registered what she'd heard, and she caught Paige's mischievous smirk. She almost smiled.

"What's this?" Paige asked playfully - only a step away from bitchy. She gently touched Ellie's cheek. "Could it possibly be - a smile?"

"Don't push your luck," Ellie said, trying not to laugh. Gently she pushed Paige's hand away, not meeting the blonde's eyes.

"So have you been seeing Ms Sauve?" Paige asked quietly, dropping her normal act. Ellie nodded.

"I don't know how much use it'll be." Ellie shrugged.

"Give it time, ok?" Paige asked, softly holding Ellie's uninjured wrist.

"I'm trying," Ellie shrugged again, staring directly into Paige's eyes.

"If you ever want to talk," Paige began.

"I don't want to talk about it." the girl cut Paige off, her face resuming its unhappy state.

"Ok," Paige said, slightly offended but recovered fast. "Well, if you wanted to hang out or something, you know, try to forget about life or whatever; I'm around on Friday night." Paige offered, as though she were doing Ellie a favour. Paige's glance flickered uncertainly to Ellie, and the red-haired teen recognised Paige genuinely going out on a limb.

Ellie gave Paige another almost-smile. "Are you saying that you, Paige Michalchuk, Cheerleader and Glam Gal extraordinaire, want to hang out with _me_ on the first social opportunity of the weekend?"

Paige nodded. "Yup. I am making you my number one priority." Paige said, doing her best socialite impersonation.

"Number one priority?" Ellie raised an eyebrow. "What for?"

"Because I want to help you in any way possible," Paige replied, getting a little more serious. "I found you by accident, but I'm not going to pretend you don't exist now just because I handed you over to Ms Sauve. You won't get away from me that easily," Paige smirked flirtatiously as eyes bored into Ellie. "So," Paige flicked her hair over one shoulder. "This Friday night. Wanna play normal girly teen queen?"

"Oh God," Ellie rolled her eyes, smiling in spite of herself. "Ok."

"Excellent!" Paige exclaimed. "You can come home with me on Friday afternoon; we'll rent chick flicks and paint each other's toenails. It's a date!" Paige grinned her most triumphant grin. "I'll see you Friday afternoon, Ella-belle," Paige turned and waved over her shoulder as she left the bathroom.

_I wonder if Paige realises she never let go of my arm until two seconds ago?_ Ellie stared after the girl, until the bell for the end of lunch sounded loudly. Checking herself in the mirror, Ellie picked up her backpack and walked to her next class.

* * *

That night, Ellie's mother had still been conscious by the time Ellie got home. Ellie went into the kitchen, carrying a bag of take-out. It was barely a minute before Ellie had the lukewarm food on a plate, but when she took it to her mother the older woman had passed out. Small pieces of vomit had crusted on Ellie's mother's chin. Ellie felt sick herself as she got a damp cloth to remove the mess. 

Getting a smaller plate of food for her, Ellie went to her room. She barely touched her meal, listening carefully for any signs of life from her mother. Half an hour or so later the sound of crashing glass and swearing drifted through the house. Ellie ran out to see what had happened, and found her mother crawling on pieces of a broken glass bottle.

"I can't find the remote," she slurred hopelessly, cutting her hands and knees.

"Mum, get up, you're hurting yourself," Ellie pleaded, walking in thick boots across the glass to lift her mother back onto the couch.

"Shut up and smile, Ellie. Don't make a scene." The woman said before she passed out again.

Ellie set her jaw, cleaned up the glass and removed all the other bottles.

Going back into her room, her faithful compass lay on her bedside table. Ellie picked it up instantly, and held the point against her skin. As the pressure broke the pale barrier, Ellie gasped. Blood appeared as she dragged the point across, and suddenly Paige rose unbidden in her mind. Ellie dropped the compass in shock.


	3. Field Trip

A/n - woOt yay thanks for happy reviews!

They may well get naked and have sex... I haven't really thought about it, I must admit. It's a possibility. But I warn you now, Pellie lovers... this is story does not leap headlong into slash. So enjoy the build-up. I've noticed that real life relationships, especially ones of the lesbian nature, take a bit of time. Sit back, chill, and try not to laugh outloud at my excuse for plot building, ok?

* * *

A bag laden with clothes was heavy on Ellie's back. Her mother, in a brief moment of sobriety, allowed Ellie out for the night. Ellie had to have a cold drink to recover from the shock.

Her last class of the day was with the glam gal herself, and Ellie was painfully excited and cautious at the same time. She had no way of knowing whether Paige would follow through on the invite she'd made earlier that week.

Mr Simpson walked into the room with Paige following close behind. The seating plan implemented by Mr Simpson forced Paige to sit across from Ellie, and the blonde cheerleader swanned to her seat casually, flipping long hair over one shoulder as she sat down.

As the teacher began to talk, a piece of paper landed on Ellie's desk. She opened it and found swirly handwriting on the top two lines

_Ella-belle, do you still want to come over? I got extra popcorn, and we can even get pizza if you want. Dylan's driving so we can make whatever detour you want - even to the mall! Don't leave class without me, k? - Paige._

Ellie got out a pen and wrote neatly underneath the initial question, smiling at her new nickname.

_Yeah, I'd still like to come over. Much as this little field trip is about playing normal, the mall is one step too far. Pizza is a must. - Ellie._

Ellie passed the note discreetly back to Paige. As Paige wrote a reply and handed the paper back, Mr Simpson coughed politely.

"Excuse me, Miss Michalchuk? Am I disturbing your social tendencies, once again?" He asked sarcastically. Paige, for once, was caught off guard.

"Uh, sir, I," Paige stumbled.

"Sir, she was just handing me back a piece of paper I dropped from my folder. Thanks, Paige." Ellie said coolly, taking the paper from Paige and tucking it inside her folder.

"Let's continue, shall we?" Mr Simpson sighed and got on with the lesson. Paige and Ellie giggled to themselves, stifling the laughter until after class. Time dragged hideously slowly, and when the final bell went Paige and Ellie rushed outside.

The two teenage girls started laughing out loud once they'd left the classroom together.

"Thankyou so much for covering for me," Paige gushed as they walked through the emptying school. Ellie shrugged.

"It's fine, really."

"Seriously, Simpson caught me not long ago for passing notes. I think a week of detention is a little extreme. You saved me!" Paige giggled even more. Ellie walked beside Paige, head down, smiling to herself.

Outside the school they met up with Dylan, who gave a friendly hello to the quiet Ellie. They followed him to his car as Paige tried to convince Ellie of a mall side-trip. Ellie could feel the stares of the other students - Paige Michalchuk talking with Ellie Nash was something to gossip about.

"Come on, they make the best pizzas there," Paige pleaded. "Besides, I'm almost out of conditioner, and my hair _totally _frizzes up without it. Would you deny not only me, but the entire school, the wonder of my glossy, sleek frizz-free hair?" Paige swished her hair again for emphasis. Ellie could barely keep a straight face, and Dylan laughed outright.

"Do you normally make this much fun of yourself?" Ellie asked quietly, looking sideways at the self-mocking teen.

"Of course, hun, but not a lot of people really pick up on it. You're a quick one, Ella-belle," Paige gave her smouldering smirk again as they reached Dylan's car. Climbing inside the small car Paige opted to sit in the back with Ellie.

"So, the mall or not, ladies?" Dylan asked, starting the car. He turned to look from face to face.

"Come on, Ella-belle. Think of my hair." Paige pouted so prettily, and Ellie looked down at her hands, smiling to herself.

"Fine. I'll come to the mall." Ellie shook her head at herself as Paige squealed with delight.

"Awesome! Dylan, to the mall!" Paige declared happily.

"No one can resist her. It's awful." Dylan sighed as he drove through the car park and toward the mall.

Paige was looking at Ellie with an obvious plan in her mind. Ellie caught the familiar hint of 'make-over' in Paige's eye.

"Oh no. No make-over. I am not changing my clothes. This might be playing normal, but that's taking things a little too far, Paige." Ellie said adamantly.

Paige sighed petulantly. "Fine. But can I at least give you some tips?"

"From the opposite end of the fashion spectrum? Maybe some other time, glam gal." Ellie smiled as Paige pouted some more.

After a five minute drive, the mall reared up out of the suburban blocks. Ellie bit her lip, and began picking ay her flaking nail polish. Paige looked over as Dylan searched for a park, and saw Ellie's nervous antics. She lightly rested a hand on top of Ellie's, stopping the home polish remover job. She smiled reassuringly.

"You'll be fine," Paige said quietly. The kindest smile to ever emerge from Paige's lovely face was bestowed upon Ellie.

"Just, don't pretend like you don't know me, ok?" Ellie asked her voice soft and expression vulnerable.

Paige grinned even wider as Dylan pulled into the parking spot smoothly. "Not to worry, hun. We'll go to the hairdresser's and then straight back here. We'll come back for pizza later." Paige nodded and climbed out of the car. Dylan chose to remain in his car, listening to the radio. Ellie followed Paige more than a little anxiously.

Teenagers still with school bags littered the mall, crowding around coffee houses and music shops. They roamed in groups of four or more, unless they were a couple. Bags and food products with popular labels emblazoned upon them were flung around like confetti, and Ellie was dreading walking through it all.

Paige was true to her word; the two walked together to the hairdresser's that was only a few shops along the closest walkway, and Paige never left Ellie's side, always talking to her and looking at her to make sure people knew the score. The frizz-combating conditioner was purchased without incident, and Ellie slunk back into the car with considerable relief.

"There, that wasn't so bad now, was it?" Paige asked, eyebrow raised in her familiar manner. Ellie gave Paige a blank look.

"You girls ready to go on home?"

"Oh Dylan, we haven't got the movies yet!" Paige said, flabbergasted. Dylan laughed as he turned the car around.

"How could I forget? Video store is the last stop for this afternoon. I've got homework." Dylan reminded Paige as they pulled up to the video store.

Ellie followed Paige as the cheerleader picked out the three movies least likely to ever be watched by Ellie Nash: You Got Mail, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, and Kissing Jessica Stein. Ellie groaned.

"What is with the feel-good vibe?" Ellie asked plaintively as Paige paid for the movies and the climbed back into the car.

"This is about playing normal. These movies are about as normal as you can get! Except maybe Kissing Jessica Stein, but I think it's a funny movie anyway." Paige defended herself.

"Kissing Jessica Stein _again_? Jeeze, Paige, that's every weekend for a month," Dylan whined as he drove them toward the Michalchuk place.

"How often do I watch the 'Queer as Folk' DVDs with _you_, brother?" Paige retorted. "The stories are way sweet. Its compelling viewing." Paige smiled eagerly as Ellie nodded, mildly confused.


	4. Toenails and Popcorn

Hi again! Next installment of pellie fluff is here, my friends. Sorry it's short.

* * *

Toenails and Popcorn

The Michalchuk residence was a sweeping two story house, with huge plentiful windows and open French doors. Ellie's eyes almost fell out of her skull when she saw the gorgeous place.

Dylan parked on the side of the road and Paige escorted Ellie up the porch steps and in through the front door. "Welcome to my place," Paige said breezily. "My room's upstairs, come on." Paige bounded up the steps, Ellie following slowly. Paige's room itself was a beautifully airy room with a double bed along the wall and going under the wide window. A fully laden TV cabinet rested behind the door, and girly magazines littered the table and part of the floor. Posters of the most recent young male superstars lined the walls, and some of the up-and-coming young women shared the space. A walk-in wardrobe was filled to overflowing with clothes and old toys, and Ellie stood staring at the entire room in wonder. Painfully she remembered her own tiny room with the window opening onto next door's crappy yard; Paige's window overlooked the beautiful street, even glimpsing a park at the end of the block.

"Everything ok, Ellie?" Paige asked, concerned.

"I'm fine." Ellie replied instantly. She caught Paige's sceptical expression. "Really. I'm just amazed at your room. It's beautiful."

"Thanks," Paige said honestly, smiling. "So, what's first: manicure or facial?" Paige asked perkily.

* * *

The afternoon passed languidly, with Ellie receiving star treatment from Princess Paige; manicure, pedicure, facial and hair deep root conditioning. By dinner time Ellie had showered and felt better than she had in weeks. In loose black long sleeved shirt and baggy pyjama pants, she followed pink-pyjama clad Paige downstairs to the dinner table.

"Mum, Dad, this is my friend Ellie. Sorry I didn't bring her down earlier; we were in the middle of an _intense_ beauty therapy session." Paige announced as they sat down at the food-laden table. A huge roast lay in the middle, surrounded by bowls of salads and steamed vegetables. "Ellie, my mum Nora and my dad John." Paige introduced as the adults sat down as well. Nora and Paige shared the same chin and smile, but the eyes were totally John's.

"Nice to meet you," Ellie said, smiling politely. Paige and Dylan had already started to pile their plates.

"And you too, dear," Nora said warmly. "Help yourself, or there won't be any left after these two have finished." She joked, helping herself to a slice of roast.

"Thankyou," Ellie said quietly. Almost shyly she placed food on her plate, only a little to begin with but as she became more comfortable she ate more and more. Paige watched her newfound friend, eyes glowing.

Ellie and Paige finished their meal and Paige led Ellie into the kitchen. Ellie turned back before she left the dining room. "Thankyou for dinner, it was delicious. And thankyou for letting me stay here tonight."

"Not at all, dear!" Nora smiled. "You're welcome anytime."

Ellie smiled her thanks. "Did you want a hand cleaning up, or anything?"

"Thankyou, but we'll let you and Paige get on with your videos." John smiled, stacking the plates. Ellie nodded, and followed Paige.

"Ok, so do you want butter flavour or the weird salt and vinegar flavour?" Paige asked as the door closed behind Ellie, searching through the cupboard for the packages. Her face was scrunched up with concentration, and Ellie tried not to giggle. Eventually Paige found the packages and held them aloft.

"I'm gonna have to go butter," Ellie replied.

"Good, I hate that salt and vinegar stuff. This won't take long to cook, if you wanted to go up to my room and decide on a video?" Paige offered.

"Ok," Ellie nodded. "You don't want me to stay?"

"its popcorn, hun, I'm sure I can handle it." Paige answered in her know-it-all way. She ruined the bitch effect by burping loudly. "Oh my God! Excuse _me_," Paige said, astonished. Ellie laughed and went back up to Paige's room.

She found the light switch easy enough and sat on Paige's bed, reading the backs of the videos. From the blurbs 'Kissing Jessica Stein' sounded the most interesting, but Ellie felt weird admitting that to herself, despite the fact that it was almost Paige's favourite movie.

"So, picked one?" Paige asked from the doorway, closing it behind her. Ellie looked up, startled out of her daydream.

"No, not really." Ellie lied, shrugging. Paige placed the bowl of popcorn in Ellie's lap, and performed 'eeni-meeni-mynie-mo' to pick a video. 'How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days' won.

The two girls settled back in a mound of pillows lying across ways on Paige's bed, eating buttery popcorn and watching the predictable plot line unfold. In spite of herself, Ellie found she was enjoying herself.

At the end of 'How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days', someone knocked gently on the door.

"Come in," Paige giggled, fighting Ellie for the popcorn dregs.

"Hey girls," Dylan said in his campest voice. "Mind if I watch the Jessica Stein saga with you?"

"Not at all Dil," Paige said, smiling. "Just grab a blanket from the cupboard, would you? My legs are cold."

Dylan sighed and rolled his eyes. "As you wish," he scoffed. Paige smirked as she set up the video.

Paige was lying between her brother and friend, with the huge doona covering the three of them. The movie started, and as the story got more in-depth, Paige snuggled down in the blanket and pillows, and moved her arm so that it was touching Ellie's. Ellie looked down at her arm underneath the blanket, feeling Paige's warm skin. Paige showed no outward signs of anything, and she and Dylan were glued to the screen. Ellie looked back at the movie quickly, gulping, eyes darting from her arm to the movie. After a few minutes, Dylan yawned.

"I just can't stay awake. I'm off to bed. See you girls in the morning. I'll get you pizza some other time, promise."

"Goodnight Dil," Paige said as her older brother left. Paige sat up and frowned at her pillows. "I just can't get comfy," she whined. "Mind if I lie normally? I am getting _such_ a sore back."

"No, its fine. Go right ahead," Ellie said, hoping she sounded as cool as possible.

"Great," Paige smiled and rearranged the blanket and pillows. Paige rested her head on a pillow up against Ellie's leg and sighed. "Much better."

"Cool," Ellie said, mildly confused and nervous. Looking down she saw Paige's soft hair had come free of the ponytail. It slid and tumbled over itself as Paige wriggled again to get comfortable. Biting her lip, Ellie lifted a hand to just touch the blonde mass. Hesitating, after a couple of attempts, Ellie ever-so-gently rested a hand on Paige's head and stroked the cheerleader's hair. A second later Ellie pulled away sharply. "I'm sorry," she said haltingly.

"Its fine, hun," Paige said, her voice warm and low. "Told you I needed that conditioner."

Ellie smiled to herself, and spent the rest of the movie holding Paige's soft hair in her shaking fingertips.

Watching the classy love story emerge, Paige smiled at the feeling of Ellie's anxious hands through her thick hair.

Once the movie ended, Paige yawned. "I am _so_ totally exhausted. Ready for sleep, Ella-belle?"

"Yeah," Ellie said drowsily. Paige sat up just as Ellie was stretching.

"Well it's too late to go rummaging for another mattress, so are you cool with sharing a bed? I don't snore, promise," Paige said in her self-mockingly snobby way.

"No, it's fine," Ellie said, ignoring her beating heart.

"Cool," Paige said, climbing off the bed and discarding all but two pillows. "Mind if I have the wall side?"

"Either way," Ellie replied, standing as Paige pulled down the covers. Paige climbed in, and Ellie was momentarily distracted by Paige's pyjamas pulling tight over her legs and butt. After Paige was settled Ellie turned out the light, and got into bed beside Paige.

"So are you having fun?" Paige asked sleepily. "The normal game isn't so bad, is it?"

"As long as you don't think I'm like this all the time, normal and happy and shit," Ellie said, feeling the day's worth of misery welling up inside her. The familiar need to break skin and see blood was back, stronger than ever, but she couldn't do it with Paige so close. The fresh smell of Paige's hair mixed with the memory of vodka and Ellie felt the world changing.

"Oh Ella-belle," Paige said, turning on her side to face Ellie in the weak moonlight. "I'll do anything you want me to. Just say the word, Ellie." Paige whispered, touching Ellie's shoulder.

"I don't want to talk about it," Ellie said quietly, tears dripping down her face. She started to cry, very softly. Paige moved closer and held Ellie in her arms.

"It's ok," Paige whispered, biting down her own tears. "As long as you need me, and much longer after, I'm here." Paige said, rubbing Ellie's back. Ellie cried herself to sleep in Paige's worried arms.


	5. Morning After the Night Before

Another AN - Spinner and Paige obviously aren't together. Honestly, I don't remember much of the series around 'Whisper to a Scream' because I saw it that long ago. (I downloaded 'Whisper to a Scream'. Guilty pleasures, eh?) I'm sorry if the content offends any self-mutilators out there.

Onwards!

* * *

Morning After the Night Before

As Ellie rose unwillingly from the deaf world of dreams, the familiar and awkward feeling of having swollen eyes brought itself to her attention. She groaned, and after a few moments opened her sore eyes to find Paige watching her with the gentlest expression on her face.

"Oh crap," Ellie murmured, pulling the blanket over her eyes.

"I'll get you a cold face cloth, ok?" Paige said softly.

"Yes please," Ellie replied, her face still buried in blankets. She felt the bed move as Paige stood up and climbed over her. A few minutes later Paige pulled the blanket down carefully, handing over the cold cloth with a smile. "Ung," Ellie sighed as she covered her aching eyes. "The swelling goes down after an hour or so," she said.

_How many times as she cried herself to sleep?_ Paige thought, sadness looming in her mind again. "Do you want breakfast? Some juice, or something?"

"Juice would be great," Ellie said, a smile forming underneath the face cloth.

"I'll be right back," Paige said and left the room. Ellie sat up and lowered the face cloth. She rubbed her eyes and blinked a lot, trying to get them to stop stinging. Paige brought back a full glass of orange juice and handed it to Ellie.

"Thanks," Ellie muttered. The embarrassment was settling in, that and the unspeakable urge she always got when she didn't cut when she'd needed. She knew she'd just run home and find the compass and the control that it brought.

"Not a problem." Paige said perkily. She sat cross-legged in front of Ellie.

Draining the glass, Ellie put the cloth over her eyes once again. She felt so pathetic in front of Paige, disgusted that she needed her compass so very badly.

"Whoa, bad mood this morning, hun?" Paige said tenderly, reaching out to touch Ellie's cheek.

_I just want to sit and stare at you and pretend that there's nothing else. But I look at you at it doesn't go away. It gets worse._ Ellie looked into Paige's eyes, and her immense feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed her. She was so angry; angry enough to bleed so much more.

"What is it, Ella-belle?" Paige asked, her eyes so concerned.

"This is what it's like when I try not to cut myself!" Ellie screamed. She started rocking, pulling her hair, and hyperventilating. She was shaking, crying. Desperately Ellie dragged fingernails across her flesh frantically, praying for some relief. Paige watched for a second before shouting and holding Ellie's struggling arms far apart.

"Ellie stop it!" Paige shouted, tears springing to her own eyes. Ellie cried and tried to fight Paige. Eventually Paige leaned forward to pin Ellie to the bed. "Ellie please!" Paige cried.

Still Ellie struggled violently, desperate for blood. "Get off me!" Ellie growled.

"Not until you stop!" Paige replied. "I'm stronger than you, Ellie. I won't let you do this!"

"Won't let me?" Ellie sneered. "Who are you to stop me?"

"Someone who cares!" Paige cried, tears falling down her face. "I care about you!"

Ellie's fight lessened. The strange sensation of knowing someone cared sank in slowly. Ellie ceased trying to push Paige off and lay there, watching Paige cry brokenly. Staring with wonder, feelings of guilt swallowed Ellie whole.

"I'm sorry," Ellie whispered. The new guilt was rampaging its way through Ellie, triumphing - for now - over the blood urge. Her own pain was put aside once again, and Ellie's sense of responsibility for once was welcomed.

Paige still cried, but let Ellie's arms go and sat against the wall. Immediately Ellie sat up and wiped Paige's face with the cloth. "Please stop crying," Ellie said, ignoring her burning eyes and irritated skin. "I'm so sorry Paige. Please, don't cry," Ellie whispered, waiting for Paige to look at her. "I'm sorry."

Paige sniffed and stopped her tears. Looking up, she bit her lip. "Please, just know I care, ok? I care when you do that to yourself."

Tears of almost happiness rose in Ellie's eyes. "Ok," she said. After an awkward silence broken only by a sniff, Paige tried to laugh.

"So much for the weekend of being normal," she said, trying to be funny. Ellie smiled.

"Yeah, I guess." Ellie pulled at the sleeves of her shirt, rubbing the cloth on her burning skin.

"Here," Paige retrieved the damp cloth and pressed it onto the welts on Ellie's arms. Tears began to trickle silently down Ellie's cheeks.

"I'm really sorry," Ellie whispered.

"It's ok Ella-belle. It's ok," Paige said softly, holding Ellie's arm and pressing the cold face cloth gently.

* * *

After lunch Ellie had gone home, and Paige sat on her bed, chin in her hands. The face cloth lay discarded on the floor, and Paige stared at it. The cup of juice that Ellie had drunk was beside the face cloth, with the tiniest mark of lip balm on the edge of it. Shifting her gaze from the Ellie memorabilia, Paige looked down at her hands. With those hands she had stopped Ellie from hurting herself that morning. But how many other mornings, days, nights, could Paige be there to stop Ellie? Did Ellie even want to be stopped? Paige sighed.

_I didn't want to be stopped. Not after what he did. Feeling of deserving pain - no, that wasn't even it. Punish yourself for allowing things to happen? Controlling yourself to give the false sense that things _can _be controlled? But it gets away from you. And you end up losing control over your survival mechanism. You delude yourself completely, and are positive that the habit keeps you sane. But the more you do it, the more the sanity and control creep away until there's nothing left but your sad addiction and guilt. And you have to build it all again, from the ground up, without the familiar feeling inside._

With another sigh, Paige flopped backwards and stared at her ceiling. A look of determination crossed Paige's face.

_If I can beat him and what he left behind, then she can beat this. And I'll be there for her like no one ever was for me._


	6. And Your Story, Morning Glory?

And Your Story, Morning Glory?

Ellie watched the red numbers counting down. It would be five minutes before the alarm went off, but Ellie refused adamantly to get out of bed before seven a.m.. Rolling onto her back, Ellie picked absently at the scab from Saturday night. She'd held it back for nearly three days, but trying to hold it in was like trying not to breathe. Ellie had been so angry and hateful but only once did she pierce her skin. As the blood welled up and dripped slowly, unspeakable guilt had hit her, and Paige's tear-soaked face and voice of pleading entered Ellie's vision. She'd thrown the compass across the room and screamed.

Electronic beeping filled the silent house, and Ellie rolled over quickly to silence the alarm clock. Walking softly through the house, Ellie saw her mother still asleep - or passed out - on the couch. Ellie picked up the blanket from the ground and covered the woman before going into the bathroom to shower.

Standing beneath the warm water, the top of a few scabs fell away. Thin scars, from when the abuse first started, were outdone by the thicker, raised up scars looking almost like permanent welts. Faint scratch lines from her episode at Paige's still burned under the water, and the deep cut from Saturday night ached. Ellie stood, watching her arm under the water. Having not done it for three days, some wounds had been given the time to heal and her arm looked less like a farm accident.

_I think Paige would be proud,_ Ellie thought with a smile. _Why do I care?_ She sighed. _It'd be nice to have someone be proud of me.

* * *

_

The steps of Degrassi Community School were always where the coolest of the cool hung out before the first bell of the day. With amusing predictability, Paige sat amongst them, appearing as a queen among her subjects.

Ellie walked toward the school as the first bell sounded and students slowly made their way inside. Going up the steps to the side of the royal court, Ellie caught Paige's smile and returned a small one of her own.

"Morning, Vampire," Paige called out, waving childishly. Ellie played along, pretending to glare at the teen, while Paige's friends looked shocked.

"Paige, that was kinda mean," Hazel said after Ellie had gone inside.

"So?" Paige said breezily, putting on her bag and walking up the steps.

"Yeah Paige, that was really uncalled for," Jimmy agreed, following the glam gal. "Didn't you hear?"

"Hear what?" Paige said suddenly, stopping dead in her tracks.

"She's seeing Ms Sauve. I heard her mum was an alcoholic." Jimmy shook his head.

"How is that any of your business?" Paige shouted. "If I hear you spreading anything like that around again, I will make it my personal mission to make you pay for it!" Paige yelled before storming off to homeroom. She thrust herself into her chair, fuming to herself.

"Paige, what the hell was that all about?" Ashley asked, sitting beside the furious blonde. "First you insult Ellie, and then you threaten poor Jimmy's life because he defended her?"

"Jimmy was spreading lies about Ellie. Even I wouldn't do that," Paige said, pretending she didn't know what Ash was talking about.

"They're not lies," Ash said quietly.

"I know that, but it's nobody's business but hers," Paige positively growled. "So if one more person talks about her, or what they think they know about her life, I will sure as hell make them pay for it. Got it?"

"_I'm _her best friend Paige. Not you." Ash stated, offended by Paige's protective stance.

_Someone like you, little Miss Pseudo Goth, would never understand._ Paige sniffed haughtily as Ms Kwan entered the room.


	7. Friendly Deception

I really don't like Ash, and her little 'oh I am so wounded and offended you're being so unfair' expression. Plus, I HATE Craig and I hate Ash for being with him. That's why Ellie doesn't like her, too. :)

* * *

Friendly Deception

With the prescribed text open on the table before her, Ellie stared hopelessly at the passage being read aloud. She could see the words and hear the reading, but couldn't focus. She sat beside Marco at the back of the room, Ash and Craig sat on the other side of Marco, and Paige and Hazel sat in the row in front of them. Every now and again Paige would flick her hair over one shoulder, revealing her smooth neck and shoulders left bare by her blue tube top. Each time the blonde locks went flying, Ellie's gaze glided from her book to the wonder that was Paige's hair, and nervously studied the finely tanned skin and the movement of muscles beneath.

Marco roughly elbowed Ellie. She glared at him. "What's your problem?" she asked quietly.

"I could ask you the same question. You were staring," Marco said, surprised, resting his chin in one hand.

"So? My hair never gets that straight. I was wondering how she did it, that's all," Ellie whispered unconvincingly. At that moment Paige raised her arms above her head to stretch, and leaned back. A piece of paper dropped from her hand to land on the floor in front of Ellie's boots. Ignoring Marco's inquiring look, Ellie put her boot on top of the paper and dragged it underneath the table. After a brief pause, she dropped a pen and leaned down to retrieve pen and paper.

"Oh, smooth, Ellie Nash," Marco whispered sarcastically.

"Shut up, Marco," Ellie hissed. Quietly unfolding the note, Paige's girly scrawl filled the first few lines.

_'Hey Ella-Belle! Hope I didn't offend you this morning - but playing this giant game is kind of fun, don't you think? Manipulative, I know, but we all gotta cope somehow, right? On a more serious note, people know you're seeing Ms Sauve, and before you say anything I did not utter a word to a living soul! I promise, I didn't say a thing to anyone. I've already told Jimmy where to shove it, and Ash knows too. She says she's your best friend, so I didn't threaten her. Not directly, anyway. I've got 'Spirit Squad' practice this afternoon, but do you want to come to the Dot with me afterwards? My treat! Cough when you've got a reply for me, and I'll lean back. Ok? - Paige'_

"That has to be one of the longest notes in history," Marco said softly, gently teasing his best friend.

"Seriously Marco," Ellie said, growing impatient. Undoing the lid of her pen, Ellie wrote a messy reply.

_'Not that I give a damn what anybody thinks, but thanks. For the defending me thing. Ash only knows what she has to. I couldn't be bothered going home between school and the Dot, so do you mind if I stay during 'practice'? - Ellie'_

Folding the note along the lines Paige had done, Ellie coughed discreetly. Ash looked over to see Paige hold her hand out behind her and Ellie place the note in it quickly. The bell to signal the end of class went as Paige read the note. Ellie wanted to stay and read the reply, but didn't want Marco to have anything else to tease her about. Sighing, she packed up her things and walked outside with Marco, who was hurrying to their next class. Paige brushed Ellie as she walked past, tucking the note into Ellie's hand.

Smiling, Ellie closed her hand over the paper as Marco shot her a suspicious look. Opening the note carefully in her next class, sadly without Paige, Ellie struggled not to smile.

_'Sure you can stay for practice. Just don't laugh out loud.'

* * *

_

"Eleanor Nash, if you do not divulge the information inside your mind, I _will _have to kill you," Marco stated at lunch. He sat across the table from Ellie, with his back to Paige's group. Every now and again Ellie glanced over Marco's shoulder to watch Paige, and caught the blonde beauty returning the favour. A slight smirk would appear on Paige's face every time she caught Ellie looking.

"Call me that again, and I'll hurt you," Ellie threatened.

"Seriously El, what's going on? You've been staring over there all of lunch, and you were passing notes with the Spirit Squad leader herself in class."

"Nothing's going on, Marco." Ellie insisted. "Paige wants to see me after school, to apologise properly for this morning, that's all."

"Oh sure," Marco agreed mockingly.

"Can we drop this please?" Ellie said quickly, seeing Ash walking toward them. Marco sighed as Ash sat beside him, carrying her tray.

"Where's Craig?" Marco asked, surprised to find Ash unaccompanied.

"He's developing some photos," Ash shrugged. "I thought I'd come hang out with you guys."

"Gee, that's big of you," Ellie said dryly.

"I think that's a little unfair," Ash said, looking hurt.

"Whatever," Ellie shrugged and started to eat. Pretending that she wasn't offended, Ash continued.

"Do you want to meet up after school? See a movie or something?"

Ellie paused, groping for any excuse. Marco, knowing Ellie's lack of ability to think on her feet, opened his mouth. "She can't. I promised her one-on-one study help. She is _so_ flunking English right now." Ellie nodded keenly.

"Oh. Ok," Ash seemed taken aback. She took a bite of her food, obviously uncomfortable, before looking at her watch. "Look at the time, I promised Craig I'd meet him for the last few minutes of lunch. I'll see you guys later." Ash abandoned her food tray and left the table.

Once Ash was out of ear shot, Marco leaned closer to Ellie. "If you don't want _me_ to know what's going on, then I'll bet you don't want Ash to find out either. You owe me. "

"Thanks Marco," Ellie said as she looked over his shoulder once more. _Once I know what's going on, I'll tell you all about it._


	8. Chocolate Shakes and Pink Hearts

Sorry for the long period of no more story. I'm lazy. How do you think it should end so far? Please review, even if you hated it.

* * *

Chocolate Shakes and Pink Hearts all round

The snugly small purple uniforms flashed in the sun; pompoms rustled, and the Spirit Squad assembled. Ellie sat beneath a leafy tree leaning against the trunk; her bag beside her and a book open just below her nose. Paige led the squad through the practice session, her limitless energy and subtle sarcasm painfully evident to Ellie.

"Manuela Santos, are you with us today?" Paige called out, hands on curvy hips. Ellie could see Manny mumble an apology, and smiled behind her book.

Ellie looked back down at the page the book had been open at all afternoon. A second later her eyes flashed up to watch Paige boss the other girls around. Underneath the tree at the edge of the field, Ellie wasn't even noticed by the rest of the squad – but Paige looked over, sideways, to catch Ellie's eye more often than not.

An hour later Paige called an end to the practice, and took a deep drink from her water bottle as she sashayed toward Ellie. Both pompoms were held in one hand and the small skirt swished with her movements.

"Hey Ella-belle," Paige said with a smile. Her cheeks were rosy and she grinned, panting slightly.

"Hey Paige," Ellie looked up, squinting and smiling.

"Let me just get changed, and we'll make our way to the Dot, ok?" Paige asked, taking another long drink from her bottle.

"Sure," Ellie nodded, shielding her eyes from the afternoon sun.

"Great! I won't be long." Paige waved with one finger as she strode away.

Ellie tucked her unread book inside her bag, and stood to brush off errant grass and dirt. She checked her piggy tails were even and ran a finger under each eye to clear away any running make-up. Her tartan miniskirt was smoothed, arm warmers adjusted, fishnets pulled a little higher and her shirt hem pulled down.

_Paige stood in front of the mirror surrounded by gaggling cheerleaders, and lifted the top of her tube top. She pushed her breasts a little higher, and arranged her hair over one shoulder. Checking her profile Paige smiled, collected her backpack, and confidently walked outside._

Seeing Paige walk from the building Ellie started toward the blonde. Paige threw her hair over one shoulder and smiled. "I have got a major craving for a milkshake. How about you, El?" Paige asked as she led the way off the field.

"Uh, a latte, actually," Ellie smiled as Paige giggled.

"How very coffee house of you," Paige said, looking sideways at Ellie.

"I like lattes," Ellie tried to defend herself but ended up giggling with Paige.

* * *

The Dot was the café closest to Degrassi Community School and therefore the favourite after school hangout for the students. A small booth toward the back was just being emptied as Paige and Ellie walked in, and Paige hurried toward the vacated table. Used plates and cups littered the table, and Paige wrinkled her nose at the mess. Ellie sat opposite the glam gal.

"Hey Spin," Paige said coolly as Spinner arrived in his waiter's uniform. "Would you mind clearing the table?"

"Of course not," Spin said, obviously minding. He cleared the table, looking from confident Paige to shy Ellie. He went into the kitchen, arms full of dirty dishes.

"It is _so_ fun to see him actually working, for once," Paige smirked. Ellie smiled.

"I guess," she agreed.

"So hun, how was school?" Paige asked.

_Distracting,_ Ellie thought, but mentally shook herself before answering. "Boring," Ellie finally said.

"_Tell_ me about it," Paige rolled her eyes. "I am so sick of that stupid book in English. _Totally_ gives me a headache."

"Uh, yeah. Me too." Ellie agreed. _If I actually read it I'd probably think the same thing. _Ellie smiled nervously, picking at the end of her arm warmers.

"We're getting into summer soon, Ella-belle," Paige said gently. She reached across the table to gently tug a braid in amongst Ellie's piggy tails.

"I know," Ellie replied, looking down.

At that moment Spinner reappeared with a notebook and paper. "What can I get you ladies today?" He asked politely.

"I'll have a large chocolate shake," Paige said.

"And you?" Spinner turned to Ellie.

"Um, a chocolate shake for me too, please," Ellie replied after a brief pause.

"Ok. Two shakes, coming right up." Spinner smiled sardonically and went back to the front counter.

"No more latte?" Paige asked, folding her arms on the table.

"I didn't want to have to deal with coffee breath," Ellie said in her softest voice, looking down at her hands in her lap.

"That's so cute," Paige smiled and started to giggle. Ellie couldn't help but laugh too.

"Hey, I'm sorry about what happened on the weekend," Ellie said slowly.

"Hun, don't worry your pretty little head about it. I said I'd be here for you, and I meant it. What else are friends for?" Paige paused briefly as Ellie blushed. "I saw Ash sit with you for all of twelve seconds at lunch today," Paige said as Spinner arrived with the milkshakes. Ellie rolled her eyes, taking a sip of the icy drink.

"Yeah, maybe thirteen seconds if you count the awkward moment when she invited me to a movie this afternoon," Ellie sighed.

"You know, you could have gone with her. She _is_ your best friend." Paige tried to reassure Ellie.

"I didn't want to go with her." Ellie looked straight at Paige, meeting the surprised blue orbs fairly. _I'd rather sit and stare at you, with nothing to say._ "Your hair looks really nice today." Ellie nodded and looked away, her shyness returning.

A faint blush rose to Paige's healthy cheeks. The cheerleader smiled gently, staring into Ellie's eyes. "Thanks," Paige said softly. Ellie grinned, feeling slightly more confident. A comfortably quiet moment passed before Paige spoke again. "So, what did you tell Ash to get out of the movies?"

"I didn't tell her anything," Ellie laughed. "I froze. Marco told her he was giving me study help. I may have to actually take him up on that," Ellie shook her head. The auburn haired girl took a deep breath. "What _do_ I tell my friends?" Ellie looked at the table.

Paige took a sip of her drink, a frown of concentration on her face. "I don't know," Paige said finally. "Why?"

"Are you really going to make me say it?" Ellie said, highly embarrassed. She couldn't look at Paige.

"Say what?" Paige asked quietly. She couldn't lift her eyes from the struggling Ellie.

"Never mind," Ellie said quickly. Smiling nervously she lifted her bag from the ground and scooted to the edge of the booth. "Thanks for the milkshake. I'll see you at school tomorrow, ok?" Ellie didn't wait for a reply. She stood up and almost ran out of the café.

Paige stared at where Ellie had been, mouth slightly open in shock.

* * *

_I wish I'd got Dylan to give me a ride._ Paige sighed as she walked slowly home. Watching her feet, she kicked away pebbles as she went. The bag weighed heavily on her shoulders, and Ellie weighed heavily on every other part.

_Ok. Just to make sure I've got this right. She hurts herself. She isn't happy. She needs someone. This is not a healthy situation. But I still want her to need me._

Paige smiled as a tiny puppy on a lead passed by her, temporarily distracting her.

_Why should she need me? She's got Marco and Ash._ Paige snorted._ Marco is so rapt up in my brother, any fool but Dylan can see it. And if I opened up Ash's skull I'd only find Craig memorabilia. They're so selfish._

Kicking another defenceless pebble, Paige sighed again.

_What are you doing? She's barely in the right frame of mind for a _friendship_. I'd only hurt her, make her worse. That's the last thing I want. Maybe I just think that it would be the easiest way to help her? I can't be the answer for her because it'll only create more problems._

With a will of iron Paige shut her own thoughts out, instead filling her mind with pink bubbles, a red-haired young woman with a softly sultry voice, and a fairy-tale future of impossible proportions.

"Hey Paige!" Dylan called out from his car. Paige looked up, startled; she hadn't even heard the engine. She waved and ran to the car.

"Thanks Dill, this bag is way heavy." Paige told her brother, climbing into the front seat.

"You are crushing _so _hard," Dylan said, smiling, as he put the car back into gear.

"What?" Paige asked quickly.

"You didn't hear the car and you had that smile plastered on your face that I always associate with the sweetest of love stories. You know, the really mushy ones that end insufferably happily."

"Whatever, Dylan," Paige scoffed, trying to brush off the accusation.

"You're blushing!" Dylan announced as they neared their home. "Come on, who is it?"

"Leave me alone," Paige said quietly, getting out of the car as soon as Dylan stopped it. He got out of the car and followed Paige into the house.

"What did I say?" He asked.


	9. DDay

D-Day

_Ok. So you've rehearsed the speech. You're wearing your best shirt. An extra half hour was spent on your hair. Teeth clean: check. Floss: check. Gum in case of emergency: check. Compact: check._

Paige stood in front of her mirror, adjusting her pressed blouse and red miniskirt. Putting on her most confident smile, Paige flicked her hair ala sexy movie star. Her face fell in faintly bemused misery.

_I am so not ready for this,_ she thought hopelessly. Biting her nails, Paige lifted her bag and folder and followed her brother out of the house.

* * *

Ellie walked up the steps at the front of Degrassi, looking over at Paige among the bubbly teenagers. Paige raised a hand to wave and opened her mouth to speak; Ellie slowed down, transfixed. A student passed her and pushed her arm; Ellie's folder and it's entire contents spilled all over the ground.

Gaping slightly Ellie dropped to the ground, quickly retrieving her fallen books before they were trampled. Paige leapt up to help, passing the books back to the blushing Ellie.

"Are you ok, hun?" Paige asked, handing the pencil case to Ellie.

"I'm fine, just mortally embarrassed," Ellie mumbled. A breeze lifted loose sheets from the ground and swirled them toward Hazel and the other girls. "Oh no," Ellie gulped and jumped up to grab the paper.

Hazel lifted a sheet of folded paper from the ground; the first note Paige and Ellie had passed in class. She read it, eyebrows raised in shock. Ellie snatched the note back, her helplessness clear on her face.

"Ella-belle?" Hazel said, stifling laughter.

"That is none of your business," Ellie said angrily. Her voice was stronger out loud that in her mind. At the sound of raised voices, students stopped walking past and began to gather around the growing animosity.

"Whatever," Hazel laughed outright.

"Leave her alone, Hazel," Paige said from behind the mocking teen.

"Oh Paige," Hazel wiped her eyes.

"What is your problem?" Paige demanded. "Yesterday you're sticking up for her, and today all you can do is laugh!" Paige roughly pushed Hazel's shoulders.

"What is going on here?" Mr Raditch shouted, walking through the circle of intrigued students.

"Nothing," Paige replied. She glared hatefully at Hazel. "Everything is fine." Paige looked around, daring anyone to speak. She couldn't see Ellie anywhere; she gasped. "Oh no," she said to herself. Abandoning her bag and former friends, Paige shoved students out of the way as she ran inside.

* * *

High on adrenalin, Paige threw the bathroom door open. "Ellie?" she shouted, looking under the stall doors. The very last cubicle revealed a pair of boots, swiftly pulled up as Paige quickly went to the end of the aisle. "Ellie, I know that's you."

"So what?" Ellie said from behind the door. She leaned against the back of the toilet, bag on her lap.

"Please come out," Paige tried to hide the urgency in her voice.

"Why? So I can embarrass myself some more?"

"So I can see you. So I can see that you're alright," Paige leaned against the opposite wall. "Please Ellie, please open the door. I have to see you."

Slowly the bolt was slid back and door squeaked open. Ellie stood, shoulders slumped, bag clutched like a favourite toy.

An expression of utter relief crossed Paige's face and she hugged Ellie tightly. The faint smell of sweet shampoo filled Paige's nose, and she breathed in Ellie's personal smell. Ellie hesitated before returning the fierce embrace. Gently she stroked Paige's impossibly soft hair, enjoying the warmth and comfort the girl had brought for the last two weeks.

"What's going on, Paige?" Ellie asked quietly.

Paige pulled away but still stood very close to the other girl. "Well, how much did you see?"

Ellie frowned. "I left as soon as I got the note back from Hazel. But that's not what I meant."

"Why did you keep the note in your folder?" Paige asked gently. Ellie blushed.

"I don't know. I just did." She shrugged. "I like your shirt," Ellie said hopefully, looking upwards.

Paige beamed. "Thanks," she nodded. For a moment she just stood and stared at Ellie, face totally preoccupied.

"What?" Ellie said after a moment, feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Oh, right," Paige shook herself out of her daze. "Um," Paige smiled at herself and looked away. Just as she opened her mouth to speak someone opened the bathroom door; without thinking Paige dragged Ellie toward her and locked them both in the stall. Paige sat on the lid of the toilet and pulled her feet up, leaving Ellie's visible.

"Hello? Is anyone here?" Ms Kwan's voice echoed. She walked slowly down the aisle, and Paige fought to remain totally silent. "Ellie?"

"Yes, Ms Kwan?" Ellie said quietly.

"Did Paige come in here a minute ago?"

Ellie turned and frowned at Paige, who was looking up at Ellie like an animal caught in the headlights. "No."

"Ok, thanks," Ms Kwan sighed and left the bathroom.

Waiting for the bathroom door to close, Ellie turned around. "What is going on? Would you just tell me?"

Paige sighed and stood up, the tiny stall forcing the two to be in almost constant body contact. "I've been thinking a lot, and I've come to a decision." Paige took a deep breath as Ellie hung on her every word. "Your friends are selfish, and I know that you need someone right now. Being the way that you are, is difficult enough and I don't want to complicate things for you but I know that if I get what I want, everything thing will be _way_ complicated but I can't help wanting you." Paige blushed as she met Ellie's startled gaze. They stayed that way for what seemed like a lifetime.

"Oh," Ellie said at last. "Look, even if we defied reality and were happy together you'd feel responsible every time I hurt myself. You'd feel guilty every time I was sad, because you'd make me so happy ninety-nine percent of the time. But there's always going to be a time when all the love and treasure in the world won't be enough."

"I know that, and I don't care! Even if I can't help you when you're sad I know that I can make you happy for at least a little while!" Paige pleaded, taking Ellie's hands. Her eyes filled with tears and Ellie gulped.

"This can't possibly work," she said quietly. "I'd only ever make you miserable."

"That is impossible," Paige replied in a whisper. Gently she planted her lips on Ellie's.


	10. Drum Roll, Please

Short chapter! Sorry.

* * *

Drum roll, Please

That afternoon Paige and Ellie walked toward Paige's house. The whole way the two were grinning. Occasionally they glanced sideways at each other and smiled even wider. They'd start to giggle together for no reason at all, and brushed up against each other more often than most friends did.

Paige called out a hello to her brother when she opened the front door, but didn't stop to talk. She led Ellie upstairs to her room and closed the door behind them. Squealing, Paige threw her arms around Ellie's neck, hugging the redhead tightly. Ellie smiled and hugged Paige back, closing her eyes happily. Paige started to nuzzle Ellie's neck and eventually pulled away far enough to kiss Ellie softly.

As the afternoon wore into evening, Ellie and Paige lay on her bed, always touching in one way or another, constantly exchanging sweet little kisses. After each kiss Ellie would blush and Paige would giggle in amazement.

When it was almost completely dark, Paige's mother called upstairs. "Paige, honey, its time for your friend to go home!"

Ellie sighed. "Are we doomed to a life where we'll always be friends?"

"No way," Paige giggled. "Friends don't do this," she said softly, kissing Ellie seriously for the first time all day. Someone knocked on the door, and the two girls leapt apart guiltily.

"I can give you a ride home if you like, Ellie," Dylan said, smiling widely as he looked from one girl to the other.

"Thanks," Ellie said quietly, carefully climbing off the bed. "I'll um, see you tomorrow, Paige." Ellie waved goodbye.

"Bye, hun," Paige said, smiling regretfully.

* * *

Ellie lay on her bed, absently picking at healing scabs. The gentle feel of Paige's lips on hers remained the sweetest of all her memories, and if she licked her lips Ellie could still taste Paige's lip gloss. Ellie felt oddly ill and excited whenever she thought about Paige, and being allowed to hug the beauty queen and touch her hair whenever she wanted.

_But it won't be whenever I want. It'll be when she decides to play the game._

Ellie's smile was vaguely melancholy.

_Like that's going to matter. I'm already totally at her mercy._


	11. How Many Spaces?

How Many Spaces?

They never talked about their relationship, just let it be what it was. A secret, a guilty pleasure, a bad habit, for the both of them. It was part of the game again; knowing something the rest of the world had no idea of. There was never any discussion; both guessed the other wouldn't be ready to sacrifice everything for them.

* * *

Jarred into wakefulness by the penetrating ring tone, Ellie leapt up from her bed and up-ended her bag searching for the cell phone. Eventually she unearthed the red covered phone and pressed the 'accept call' button without checking the caller ID.

"So, I'm _totally_ bored, and this party is _so_ dead."

Ellie recognised Paige's playful voice even over the phone. "Hey Paige." Ellie smiled in spite of herself.

"I know it's kind of late, but I was wondering if you want to check this party out?" Paige asked.

"You just told me the party was dead," Ellie was confused. "Besides, you woke me up."

"Oh Ella-belle, I'm sorry!" Paige apologised instantly. "I'm so sorry, I didn't even _think_! Oh hun, go back to bed."

"Paige wait," Ellie sighed, smiling. "_If_ I were to go to this party, how would I get there?"

Paige squealed with excitement.

* * *

Ellie put her hair in the familiar twin plaits, and heavily lined her eyes with black eyeliner. A black lace shirt and short tartan skirt were lifted from the pile of clean washing and quickly donned. Thigh-high fish net stockings were unrolled and put on, and her school boots slipped on. Ellie grabbed a short leather jacket and her small backpack just as a car rolled up out the front. A note already scribbled for her mother, Ellie left it in the kitchen should her mother awake before Ellie returned home.

Quietly she opened the front door and went speedily down the walk. Dylan and Paige sat in the front seat. The blonde was gorgeously made up, wearing a sparkling purple halter with a flowing black skirt.

"Thank God you could come," Paige said as she slid into the backseat next to Ellie. "I can't leave for long because I promised Teri I'd stay until she left, but seriously," Paige shook her head.

"So why am I coming?" Ellie asked, looking sceptically at the other teen. "You didn't invite me out here in the first place."

Dylan pulled up outside the party, lights on and music blaring. The three teens exited the car and Dylan eagerly went toward the party.

Paige stood close to Ellie in the shadows outside the gate. "I didn't invite you before because I knew you wouldn't even consider coming unless I totally put you on the spot." Paige smirked sexily as she locked her arms around Ellie's neck. Sighing, Ellie leant down and kissed Paige.

"So, who else is here?" Ellie asked after breaking the kiss.

"Who else matters?" Paige giggled as she led Ellie into the party.

The music was loud and bad, and teenagers were stumbling drunkenly through the already trashed house. Pillows were strewn and torn, and broken glass bottles crunched unpleasantly under Ellie's boots. Paige stepped delicately over the glass, her nose wrinkled in disgust. Her strappy sandals delicately picked their way over the smaller pieces.

"Wow," Ellie said, seeing Ash and Craig all over each other in one corner. Her skirt was pushed up and Craig's hands furiously ravaged her.

Paige turned to see what Ellie was looking at, and wrinkled her nose once again. "Euw. Get a room, guys." Paige muttered. She walked toward the kitchen, holding Ellie's hand through the crowd. Teri was standing by the fridge, a huge beer cup in one hand, and a taller guy was standing before her.

"Can I get you a drink?" Paige asked, taking a clean plastic beer cup from a stack.

"No, thanks," Ellie smiled, shaking her head. She looked around nervously, feeling incredibly out of place.

"Ok," Paige nodded, trying to put the girl at ease. Turning on the tap, Paige filled the cup with water and took a mouthful. "So, our two week anniversary is on Tuesday." Paige said quietly, standing very close to Ellie. "Do you want to go see a movie, or something? Get a milkshake?"

"Sure." Ellie smiled. "My treat."

Paige grinned, losing herself in the glowing look Ellie gave her when she forgot they weren't alone.

At that moment Hazel stumbled into the kitchen and saw Paige and Ellie standing together. Slowly Hazel made her way toward Ellie and Paige.

"You two together again I see," Hazel said drunkenly.

"Leave, Hazel, before you embarrass yourself," Paige said, glaring at the intoxicated teen.

"Oh, sorry, am I _interrupting_ something?" Hazel giggled to herself, before pushing Paige and Ellie aside to get a handful of water from the tap. Without warning Hazel vomited noisily into the sink.

"Oh that's disgusting," Ellie grimaced, standing back from the heaving Hazel.

"You can't talk," Hazel muttered, spitting the last of her vomit into the sink.

"Excuse me?" Paige asked nastily.

"Lesbians burn in Hell, you know. You're really pathetic." Hazel slurred. Paige slapped her in an instant, and grabbed Ellie's arm.

"Let's get out of here," Paige said, dragging the shocked Ellie from the kitchen. Dylan was sitting in the garden smoking a cigarette; Paige hauled him up off the ground. "We have to go _now_." She ordered.

"Alright," Dylan said, dropping the cigarette and rubbing it out with his foot. "I was getting bored anyway."

The drive home was quiet, Paige holding Ellie's hand in the dark backseat. Paige was trembling from rage, and Ellie's face was totally unreadable. Paige longed to know what Ellie was thinking, but couldn't bring herself to speak.

Dylan halted the car outside Ellie's house, and silently Ellie climbed out of the car and walked up the path. "I'm going to walk Ellie to her door," Paige said quickly, following her girlfriend.

Ellie got a hand on the doorhandle before Paige held her arm.

"What?" Ellie said quietly, not turning around.

"Hazel is a hopeless drunk. She won't remember anything on Monday, except maybe the part where I slapped her." Paige said, trying to comfort the redhead. "Don't be mad. Please."

"I'm not mad," Ellie sighed, turning to face Paige. "I'm fine, really."

"No, you're not fine Ellie Nash. But if you won't talk to me, that's ok," Paige smiled ruefully, taking Ellie's hand. "I understand. Do you want distracting?" Paige asked, one eyebrow arched.

Ellie blushed. "Maybe."

"Well," Paige looked down playfully. "Do you want me to stay tonight?"

"I'd rather come to yours," Ellie whispered. Paige grinned.

"I'll just tell Dill. Grab a bag, we'll wait right here, ok?"

"Ok," Ellie smiled shyly and went inside. Paige skipped back down to the car to tell Dylan the plan.

A minute later Ellie came outside with a backpack over one shoulder, and closed the door quietly behind her. She did her little run down to the car and jumped in beside Paige, barely able to contain her excitement.

"I just have to be back really early in the morning, ok?" Ellie said as Dylan drove toward the Michalchuk house.

"Sure thing, hun," Paige nodded.

Reaching their home, Paige and Dylan walked quietly upstairs taking care not to disturb their sleeping parents. Dylan went to his room immediately, and Paige and Ellie went silently into Paige's room.

Paige closed the door behind them and immediately grabbed Ellie around the waist and planted a soft kiss on Ellie's lips. Butterflies and nervousness swam in Ellie's stomach and she was so painfully excited. Gentle kisses became passionate, and Ellie kicked off her shoes near the door as Paige unlaced her sandals. As soon as she could Paige locked her lips with Ellie's again as they tumbled onto the bed, giggling and kissing.

Instinctively Paige lifted the hem of Ellie's shirt to find more pale warm skin, pressing her trembling hand against Ellie. At Paige's touch Ellie froze, unable to move for fear of breaking the contact. She eventually slid her hands up the back of Paige's halter as the blonde rolled on top of Ellie, straddling her. Paige's skirt had pulled up as a result, almost exposing her underwear. They broke the kiss and Ellie's heart almost stopped at seeing so much of Paige's lightly tanned legs.

"Is this going a little fast?" Paige asked. She was panting slightly and her face was definitely flushed.

"I don't think so," Ellie replied quietly. Normally alabaster skin was fire engine red.

"Great," Paige grinned as she kissed Ellie once again.

Trembling only a little, Ellie placed a hand on the back of Paige's thigh, and slowly made her way up under the skirt until her hand rested on Paige's butt. Paige felt entire armies of goose bumps march up and down her flesh as Ellie's soft little hands touched the outside of her underwear.

Still holding Ellie's lips firmly with her own, Paige began to unlace the front of Ellie's shirt. Feeling her heart pounding in time with her crotch, Ellie moved her hands to slide underneath the back of Paige's halter and easily unhook the girl's bra. Paige pulled back and gasped, eyes wide in pleasant surprise.

Ellie gave Paige a smirk of her very own, which unbeknownst to her sent happy shivers up Paige's spine. Blushing, but somehow managing to give off her most sultry smile, Paige lifted her shirt above her head and threw her bra across the room. Ellie couldn't help but stare at Paige's newly freed chest, so pale and pink compared to the rest of her. Paige rolled up the hem of Ellie's shirt to reveal a beautifully pale stomach. Encouraging the redhead to sit up a little, Paige removed Ellie's shirt entirely, and held Ellie up with one hand while with the other she unhooked Ellie's bra. Removing the item of underwear, Paige kissed Ellie's neck as Ellie lay back down. It was barely a second before Paige's mouth touched Ellie's breasts and Ellie gasped so loudly that it was almost a moan.

Giggling with excitement Paige kissed Ellie's mouth while their hands fumbled over each other's bodies. Barely able to contain herself, Ellie placed a hand on Paige's inner thigh. Feeling Paige melt against her skin, Ellie gently pulled down Paige's sexy underwear and hesitantly traced her way down until she found Paige's clit. At the first touch Paige shuddered alarmingly, her kisses just halting every now and again as Ellie moved her finger in circles, slowly at first, but faster and faster as Paige's quiet moans and gasps grew more frequent. After less than two minutes Paige shuddered and moaned as she came, and Ellie watched her, fascinated and hotter than ever.

Paige eventually stopped and lay next to Ellie, breathing heavily. She was covered in sweat and didn't appear to mind at all. Ellie was staring at her, completely transfixed. Paige began to kiss her again and after a second had her hand up Ellie's skirt and inside her undies. Ellie had never known anything like this, and fought to contain her moans of pleasure. In the end she had to clamp her teeth on Paige's neck as she came to stifle her sounds.

There they lay, both sweaty and panting, until they eventually fell asleep.


	12. Hapless Addict

Hapless Addict

School began on Monday without any confrontations or announcements. Hazel avoided Paige cold, and the entire grade was talking about the Saturday night party in whispers. Ellie couldn't help but feel a little proud that Paige had taken the measures she did.

Between classes Ellie stopped by her locker to retrieve her English text. She entered the combination and pulled the door open, and a piece of folded paper landed at her feet. Frowning, Ellie bent down to pick up the note, and shoved it into her skirt pocket. Ellie placed the book into her folder and went to her next class.

Sitting behind Paige, Ellie felt the paper note in her pocket. Without really thinking she opened the paper and read the black scrawling message – 'FUCKING LOSER'. Ellie gasped opening and closing her mouth in shock. Tears formed in her eyes and silently dropped down her face. All the bad memories flowed back; her drunken mother vomiting, the broken glass bottles, the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. Her heart raced and Ellie began hyperventilating. Desperately Ellie scrabbled in her pencil case for her compass, and ran from class without asking Ms Kwan.

"Ellie," Paige whispered. Barely taking time to think Paige ran after the girl.

* * *

Knowing Ellie too well, Paige pushed the bathroom door open and ran to the aisle of stalls. Ellie's boots were visible underneath the nearest door, and Paige gently pushed the door open. Ellie sat on the toilet lid, sobbing. Her sleeve was rolled up, her compass held in her right hand, and blood covered her arm and was dripping onto the floor. Still crying, Ellie looked up, her face utterly wretched. Tears filled Paige's eyes.

"Why aren't you enough?" Ellie asked brokenly, dropping the compass. Her limbs were weak and she felt as if she weren't in her body.

"I'm not a miracle drug," Paige said quietly, fighting her own tears. She knelt in front of Ellie and pulled on the toilet paper roll, getting a wad of paper to push onto Ellie's bleeding arm.

_This is my fault, somehow. I did something, or didn't do something. Why doesn't she love me? Why doesn't she love me?_ Paige bit her lip as she pulled the paper away and got more.

"I'm sorry," Ellie whispered. "You're too good for me, and I'm too confused for you."

"What?" Paige said quietly, looking up into Ellie's face that was wet with tears. She held Ellie's wounded arm, pressing the wound to stop the bleeding. Only one incision had been made but it was painfully deep.

"This can't work," Ellie muttered. "Can't you see? We'd spend our lives hurting each other."

Paige was completely taken aback. She gulped. "Keep pressure on the cut. Don't move. If it won't stop, hold your arm above your head. And for God's sake, lock the stall." Paige instructed, divorcing herself from her emotions. She left Ellie alone in the stall against all her instincts, washed her hands of blood in the sink, and went back to class.

"Paige, what is going on?" Ms Kwan demanded. Paige stared at her, not comprehending, standing in the doorway. She blinked, and looked at Ellie's folder and bag on the table. "Paige, if you don't give me answer right now I'll send you to Mr Raditch."

Ignoring the teacher, Paige put Ellie's books into the folder and lifted the folder and bag. Taking her own bag as well, Paige went back to the bathroom, Ms Kwan yelling behind her.

Paige shoved Ellie's things underneath the stall door.

"I love you." She said quietly. Pausing only for a moment, she sighed and left, tears falling silently.


	13. And Then

And Then

Having decided that home was not the right place, Paige put on a light coat and walked outside. Hitting the sidewalk, she started walking aimlessly. A cold wind sprang up and played with unkempt blonde locks. Her mind was almost totally empty. Disbelief and impending tears whirled inside, but Paige heard only her pounding feet. In accordance with the oldest of misfortune laws, light rain began to fall on Paige, before eventually becoming a steadily drenching downpour. She sighed, and deciding to stop being so melodramatic began the walk home. Instead of going up to her room, Paige instead lay on the outdoor sofa on the front porch.

"What am I doing here?" Paige said to herself. She leapt up and ran to Ellie's house, determined to win Ellie back somehow.

Reaching Ellie's house, Paige was on the opposite side of the street, and stood stock still in the chilling rain. An ambulance was pulled up outside, its back doors open, and two paramedics rolled a stretcher down the porch stairs. Lying on sheets as pale as herself was a familiar redhead. Her wrists were heavily bandaged, and Ellie was unconscious. Her head lolled alarmingly as the stretcher was wheeled into the van. Paige couldn't move.

Suddenly a car rolled past her and sprayed water all over her; Paige sat up so alarmingly on the sofa that she almost fell over. The wind had changed, and as the rain was now almost horizontal it had hit Paige and woken her up.

Swallowing bile for barely long enough, Paige ran to the bathroom and emptied her stomach. She sat on the floor, shivering from cold and sickness. Eventually Paige lifted lead-heavy limbs and turned on the shower. The water was hot and quickly filled the bathroom with steam. Forgetting everything Paige stepped underneath the water, still fully clothed.

* * *

Ellie didn't go to school the next day, or the day after, or the day after that. Paige called her cell phone every morning and lunchtime, and Ellie's home every afternoon several times. In her desperation, that terrible dream vivid in her mind, Paige called the hospital one afternoon. No one by the name of Ellie Nash had been admitted in the last week. Five minutes after that phone call Paige ran to Ellie's. She knocked on the door and yelled out, but there was no answer. Peering through the windows, nobody was home, and Paige began to cry all over again. Ellie had disappeared. 


	14. To the Tune of

To the Tune of -

Two weeks had passed, and Paige had spent every day calling Ellie's cell repeatedly. Walking around the school without her Ella-belle depressed Paige immensely, but she kept up her guard and her perky smile, as always. She had nightmares every night without fail, and woke up feeling physically ill. Paige didn't dare take a day off school, just in case Ellie came back. A mild distraction was the upcoming dance - people discussed the social occasion instead of Ellie's total disappearance.

One disgustingly sunny Monday morning, Paige sat on the steps amongst her 'friends', scanning the crowd with half an eye as she always did. Her breath caught in her throat; Ellie Nash walked through the muttering students, head held high and staring straight ahead. Paige stared at her openly, keeping her tears of joy buried inside. The red hair flew free in the breeze, whipping around the pale and sullen face. Ellie wore a black miniskirt and surprisingly no tights, but still a long sleeved shirt with black blouse over the top. Thoughts of Ellie's courageous beauty filled Paige's mind, together with pink bubbles all over again. But the underlying thought, _what's underneath the shirt_, remained.

Ash saw Ellie a moment after Paige did, but noticed the blonde staring with a disbelieving smile. "Do you like her shirt, or something?" Ash was confused.

Ellie looked up at Paige, and caught the smile of innocence and love. In spite of herself, Ellie delivered the softest hint of a smile as she went past.

"Yeah," Paige said eventually, losing sight of Ellie. "Something like that."

Paige didn't see Ellie again that day, even though the two were supposed to share at least half the classes. As she opened her locker at the end of the day, she saw a note taped to the inside. _How many people know my locker combination?_ Paige wondered as she took the note down. She lifted all her books into the locker and then opened the note.

_'There's a dance tonight, right? It's time to play normal.'_

Even if Paige hadn't recognised the handwriting, she knew the meaning behind the coy words. Unable to contain her grin, Paige ran to her brother's car and demanded a surprise trip to the mall. It simply wouldn't do to arrive at the dance in the wrong clothes.

* * *

Glitzy decorations and sparkling lights filled the school hall, and the latest music pumped from the DJ. Degrassi's teens danced and laughed, revelling in the atmosphere. Craig and Ash danced intimately, to most people's disgust, and Paige could see Manny making eyes at Craig over Ash's shoulder. Rolling her own eyes, Paige looked around, trying to find her redhead.

Half an hour after the dance had started, Paige watched the door constantly, dancing not far from it in her stylish black cocktail dress. Finally Ellie sauntered through the doors, dressed in a tight black dress reaching her knees. A white silk tie was around her neck. Lace-up boots went underneath the dress, and her red hair was out and fell over one shoulder. Her arms were bare, and Paige could see the countless scars and faint scratch lines going all over Ellie's left arm. Ellie kept her right arm behind her back.

Ellie saw Paige, and smiled gently. She walked through the staring teenagers to stand in front of Paige. Without speaking, Ellie revealed what was in her right hand - a beautiful white corsage. Paige smiled, pretending to be unsure of Ellie's intentions. As always Ellie saw through Paige's game, and gently slid the corsage onto Paige's wrist. Paige positively glowed.

"Would you care to dance?" Ellie asked just as a slow song came on. Paige nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Without even a hint of awkwardness, Ellie put her arms around Paige's waist, and Paige wrapped her arms around Ellie's neck. Gently they danced, oblivious of the gob smacked teenagers.

"Where did you go? I called so many times," Paige whispered as they danced, still holding Ellie tightly. Ellie sighed.

"I'm sorry. My dad came back."

Paige stared, mouth open. "Oh my God, that's fantastic!"

Ellie smiled, continuing, "but he was in a hospital upstate, in a bad way. I stayed with his sister. There wasn't time to sort anything out; Aunt Esther picked me up that afternoon just after I got home. She dragged my mother kicking and screaming to rehab."

"You're glad he's home," Paige said. "You seem different now."

"I'm thrilled he's home." Ellie sighed and pulled away. "I'm applying for student welfare, to stay in my house on my own."

Paige stared at Ellie, mouth open. "Will they let you? With everything," Paige glanced at the scarred arm.

Ellie smiled. "I made a deal with Esther. She'll do all the paperwork if I promise to see a therapist twice a week."

Squealing, Paige hugged Ellie tightly. "That's fantastic!"

"You know, I could've moved in with Esther. She offered me a room, to pay for everything."

"But you didn't stay?"

Ellie shook her head. "I couldn't. It drove me crazy to be away from you for as long as I was."

Taking a deep breath, Ellie slowly brought her mouth to meet Paige's in a soft kiss. The students surrounding them stopped in their tracks and ogled the couple. The insulting cat-calls began; Ellie broke the kiss, took Paige's hand and escorted her from the school hall.

"By the way, I like your dress," Paige whispered.

_An End._


End file.
